​ 4 min read 

​

There is one question that almost every grieving heart asks - sometimes aloud, sometimes in silence:
Why me?
It feels deeply personal.
As if life singled you out… chose you for this pain.
But if you sit with this question long enough, you begin to notice something beneath it -
It is not just pain.
It is comparison.

​

THE HIDDEN COMPARISON 
“Why me?” quietly translates to -
Why did this happen in my life... and not theirs?
And without even realising it, we create a benchmark.
Someone who "looks complete.”
Someone whose life seems great.

When the mind is hurting, it often drifts towards comparisons that intensify self-pity - focusing on those who seem to have more comfort, less suffering, a more “complete” life.

​

WOULD YOU TRADE LIVES ?
Here is a difficult but honest reflection one must do:
Would you truly exchange your life with someone you believe is more fortunate?
From the outside, their life may appear complete.
But what we see is often only a surface - a version they want the world to see.
The reality beneath can be very different.
Every life carries its own share of challenges.
Every heart has faced difficulties.

Also, sometimes when we compare, we often do it selectively -someone’s family, another person’s finances, someone else’s health.
We piece together an “ideal life” from fragments.
But life doesn’t come in fragments.
It comes as a whole.
If you were to truly exchange lives, you would inherit everything -their past, their silent battles, their uncertainties, and what the future holds for them.
Would you still choose it, completely?
Because the truth is -you don’t see their full story.

“Why me?” begins to loosen…when we realise we were never the only ones carrying pain.
Everyone has their share -some visible, some quietly hidden.

​​​

COMPARE, BUT WITH A SHIFT IN LENS
Comparison is never neutral.
It always carries a reference point - and that is something you can choose.
When the mind is in pain, the mind often tends to see itself as a victim.
But with awareness, you can gently guide it towards a different reference -one that brings perspective, balance, and quiet strength.
This is not about dismissing your pain.
Nothing can. 
But sometimes, a small shift in how we look at things can soften the harshness of “Why me?”
and the heaviness it brings.
Spending time in places where life is visibly fragile -an orphanage, or observe the footpaths outside AIIMS hospital at night -where people are not just dealing with illness but also extreme financial burden, basic food and shelter crisis, uncertainty for all dependents of that family. They are fighting for survival.
For me, this vision changed "why me?" to gratitude. 

This is not to compare pain or to reduce what you are going through.
But such moments can plant a thought where “Why me?” begins to shift.

A loss of a loved one can feel like your whole world has shattered -and in many ways, that feeling is true.
And yet, alongside that truth, there can also be an awareness -of the things we often take for granted,
as the mind naturally keeps returning to what has gone.

Most of us have the option to pause and grieve, we have the finances to take care of bread on the table even if we dont go to work for a month or more. We have access to support - emotional, social, and professional. 

On adjusting our lense we understand this:
Pain exists everywhere - only its form and intensity differ from person to person.
And sometimes the question begins to change - into gratitude for what still remains.

​​

SAME PAIN , DIFFERENT RESPONSE 
What shapes our life is not just what happens to us -but how the mind responds to it.
The journey of Droupadi Murmu , the President of India, reflects this deeply.
She did not face one loss.
She faced many.
Her daughter.
Both her sons.
Her husband.
Her mother.
Her brother.
Death  after death. 
A prolonged phase of grief.
A period of deep depression.
She could have stopped there.
Anyone would understand if she had.
But something shifted within her.
She began working on her mind.
She chose not to be defined by her pain.
She turned towards spiritual practices in association with the Brahma Kumaris.

And today, she holds the highest office in the country.
A human being - just like you and me.
A life that carried immense loss.
But a mind that chose a different way to hold it.
So if comparison must happen, perhaps it can gently shift - towards those who remind us what is possible.
Not to pressure ourselves.
But to remind ourselves - A heart once carrying so much pain…can also learn to find peace again.

​

Another example is Arunima Sinha.
Not the loss of a loved one -but the loss of her leg.
After a tragic accident, she became an amputee.
Ask anyone, even a child - What is the most basic requirement to climb a mountain?
The answer is obvious - legs.
And yet, she went on to climb Mount Everest.
Not because circumstances were easy.
But because her mind refused to give up.
This is not to say we must all climb mountains.
But it gently shows us-the strength of the human mind, even in the most difficult circumstances.

​​

CLOSING NOTE
We often believe circumstances define us.
While circumstances may not be in our control, our approach towards them is.
In grief, it becomes very clear -the mind can either hold on to “Why me?” and sink deeper…
or slowly, move towards “What now?”
This shift does not happen overnight.
It cannot be forced.

You don’t need to be as strong as anyone else.
You don’t need to rise like extraordinary examples.

Awareness itself is enough for gradual, meaningful change to begin.
There are many ways listed above,  to ease the question “Why me?”
You may resonate with some, or perhaps just one.
And that is enough.
You don’t need to agree with everything for something to begin to shift.
Take what resonates with you…and allow the thought to grow.